Blogging today is not going well. This is how I feel after hours of trying. I am feeling happy but tired and there is plenty of random rants, raves and musings that I want to talk about; but every time I type, the words turn meh. If this was a magic trick I would be Houdini. I seem to have an inability to blog. I. Give. Up.
I’ve been doing research for this post for the past ten days or so: how to be a bad blog owner. Okay, maybe I’m lying and I’ve just been ignoring my duties as said blog owner. Luckily this isn’t a plant, otherwise it would probably be past the point of saving.
So that my awful lack of an appearance in the wordpress world does not go to waste, I have decided to impart the wisdom I have only just discovered on how to be a bad blog owner. Obviously follow this advice at your peril. It’s a how to in reverse so I’m not promising better things as a result.
So without further ado, here are my four top tips on how to be a bad blog owner/put people off visiting your blog
This is probably the easiest way to be a bad blog owner. By not posting anything new and keeping your site up you are luring the random internet adventurer in only to be disappointed that the last thing you wrote about happened in a slow period of 2006. They’ll promise never to visit your blog again and probably won’t read whatever you wrote on that slow period of 2006. It’s the best poison for a blog.
Write really offensive things that are offensive for offensive’s sake
You may get the odd reproachful or defensive comment back at best. It should just cause most people to switch off your blog straight away especially if you’re offensive things have no sort of actual thought process behind them and are just mean for mean’s sake.
Write about things you’re not interested in
This is the dullest way to be a bad blog owner because basically you suffer to by writing about something you hate. If you write about things you’re not interested in, readers tend to be able to tell and the post won’t get a good response. Writing about something you find boring and stupid and which you’re actually bored by means that your readers will be bored by it too. So basically: if it’s making you yawn and want to switch off, it’ll make potential readers do that same. Perfect way to be a bad blog owner.
Never update your About page
People are nosey and curious creatures. They will usually click on your About page nine times out of ten* Not keeping an About page can be a great way of saying: thanks for visiting, but I don’t want you to know anything about me so buh bye. Obviously good writing will still keep people coming but having an About page just adds to the good blog status which you don’t want to have. Obviously. An About page is like the comfort blanket of your blog. It doesn’t need to even say much but it’s basically the foundation of your blog. I judge a lot of blogs by two or three posts and their About page. Not because I’m judgemental but because that’s how everyone decides who they follow, right?
*Statistics are entirely made up and have just come out of my brain with no research behind it.
Merry Christmas to all my readers and any visitors who happen to stumble onto my humble corner of the world wide web.
Firstly, congratulations on surviving the last day of the world (which was this Friday in case you were THAT non-chalant to not notice). Secondly, for all those who celebrate Christmas (and those who do not) I hope you have a wonderful few days celebrating the holiday season and the end of yet another year.
Normal blogging will resume once the excitement of a day off, Christmas itself and the guilt of my work-load has passed. So let’s say, boxing day.
To put it simply, that is the only reason I have been absent for longer than usual from the brilliant wordpress.com. Sometimes when running you have to slow down in order to finish properly and actually continue the race. I have had to do just that this past week to be able to make it through the past seven days or so and juggle everything on my plate. I have missed blogging and I’ll be back to it within the day (apologies in advance if you have been celebrating my absence!)
This is my 100th post.
Please pause now for an appropriately joyful dance, maybe a little whooping.
As with most significant things, they always cause a pause for reflection. However, I spent most of last week in excruciating pain because a stupid nerve in my stupid back decided to become trapped between two stupid bones. I walked with a hunch for a little while feeling like Quasimodo with a limp and had to sleep like a vampire. I need to forget about it and so that means no reminiscing or anything like that. Anyway, this blog is not old enough for such a thing to occur.
Instead I have been racking my brains for days (because I knew this was coming) to think of something good to write. This is not usually how I blog. Normally, something pops into my head and I think “hey, I’d like to write something about that.” I then may or may not read into it depending on two things: how much I know about said topic and if said topic is supposed to be informative or not and if it’s personal to me obviously. That’s three things but the personal reason is so obvious it doesn’t count. I mean no one researches their own life.
Then I came to the sorry conclusion that due to my incredibly high expectations of a wonderfully amazing 100th post, think HRH Queen Elizabeth II’s jubilee celebrations this year, I was doomed. Doomed to write a post I wouldn’t like and if I don’t like what I write, it’s not posted. So I’m stuck. Either I quit now while I’m ahead: 99 posts is a pretty good run or write a 100th post that makes me want to punch myself in the face.
I’ll tell you what I am excited about though. Getting that little congratulatory badge that wordpress do now when you hit a ‘target’ that they made up for you. Oh and feeling a sense of accomplishment that I’ve been able to keep my lovely little space on the internet going.
So here’s to my 100th post (that actually has no real purpose) and to at least another 100 meaningful/entertaining/informative posts to come!
I am quickly typing this while at work when I should be doing other things. I could not resist the lure of wordpress and I feel bad for neglecting the blog I love so much. My heart is currently beating so loud, hard and fast that I am afraid the whole office can hear it; and soon it will jump straight out of my chest and flee, the panic of me doing something wrong is so overwhelming that my heart cannot take it.
I am starting to sweat and I’m pretty sure I did not put enough deodrant on to be able to sustain not smelling badly due to these nervous sweats (the worst kind). My punctuation and grammar have gone out of the window but through fear of being caught blogging I must try my hardest to ignore the shooting synapses yelling at me to add a full stop and include a comma!
My chest is now tight from the tension of it all. The office is quiet apart from my ever increasing speedy typing. I am scared someone suspects that I am not doing work. I work in an open plan office so there is no hiding any wrong doing. I keep looking over my shoulder in an obvious manner but I can’t stop. My head hurts from me turning around so often and my shoulders ache from being raised high in my bid to cover the screen with as much of my body as possible.
I hear footsteps. Please God don’t let it be my boss. I have actually stopped breathing…it wasn’t my boss phew. I let out a massive sigh and disguise it (pretty well I think) as a cough. I can’t take this suspense and nerves that come from me blogging instead of working. It’s too tense. My chest hurts, I’ve just twisted my neck muscles with my attempts at being an owl and doing a 360 to monitor my surroundings.
When I am able to spare a moment to find access to the internet on campus I will hopefully give you a lovely post and an apology, as soon as I can. The internet man comes on the 2nd, so in about two weeks. Normal blogging will resume then.
This tension, fear and nervousness has made me feel drained. I am defintely not made to do wrong. Blogging is defintely worth it though…