Rambles, rants and raves

A lot of opinions spilling out of my brain


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Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas to all my readers and any visitors who happen to stumble onto my humble corner of the world wide web.

Firstly, congratulations on surviving the last day of the world (which was this Friday in case you were THAT non-chalant to not notice). Secondly, for all those who celebrate Christmas (and those who do not) I hope you have a wonderful few days celebrating the holiday season and the end of yet another year.

Normal blogging will resume once the excitement of a day off, Christmas itself and the guilt of my work-load has passed. So let’s say, boxing day.

To put it simply, that is the only reason I have been absent for longer than usual from the brilliant wordpress.com. Sometimes when running you have to slow down in order to finish properly and actually continue the race. I have had to do just that this past week to be able to make it through the past seven days or so and juggle everything on my plate. I have missed blogging and I’ll be back to it within the day (apologies in advance if you have been celebrating my absence!)

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Christmas


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Five jokes from Christmas crackers that are actually funny

I know that we’re not popping the crackers yet. It is a little early after all, however, nothing beats a glorious cracker joke to get people in the mood for Christmas. It is definitely one of my top five things about the festive season.

When I was a kid and I’d go Christmas food shopping with my parents, I remember being the most excited about the crackers and the little gifts they would have inside. Things that are never used past the hour that you are sat at the table after dinner, too full to move.

There are only five days until Christmas, which for me is terrifying as I a yet to start my Christmas shopping. To take my panic away I have gathered my favourite five Christmas cracker jokes together in one glorious, hilarious bundle. These are not in any particular order, mainly because I couldn’t decide.

Enjoy.

A catalogue cover (1916) promoting the wonderful Christmas cracker.

A catalogue cover (1916) promoting the wonderful Christmas cracker.

What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?

Cliff

It took me a good few years to get this joke. I’m not even kidding. I barely get it now. Yet it always makes me laugh. Mainly because I think the name Cliff is fantastically funny; like it only belongs in alternate realities where animals talk and trees can move – that kind of thing.

What do snowmen eat for lunch?

Icebergers

I love a good pun. This is a pun in all its glory. I can’t help but laugh hysterically at this joke. There is no other explanation, it’s just a funny joke. Those that don’t find it funny have a heart of ice…get it?! I’m so funny.

What does a turkey eat at Christmas?

Nothing, because it’s always stuffed

This is cruel but it’s also true and it’s another play on words. Initially makes me feel guilty for the turkey then, because I don’t feel like I should laugh, I laugh more. That probably makes me a bad person.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Frostbite

This is hilarious. It doesn’t need explanation. And snowmen are awesome.

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?

It’s Christmas, Eve!

The first time I heard this joke was in a green cracker with some kind of decoration on it that I can’t quite remember. It is probably one of the best jokes I have ever heard in a cracker. I also can’t help but read the punchline in  a weirdly enthusiastic way which I think adds to the humour. Actually I know it does, though this joke does not need any more funny added to it.

I want to apologise to any of you who may have snorted with laughter in public, wet yourselves from the hilarity or cried so much from giggling that your eyes have puffed up so much you look like you’ve been stung by a bee.

Blame the crackers.


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A letter to Father Christmas

Dear Santa,

Don’t be too shocked to see I’ve decided to write you a letter. I thought it best to blog it rather than actually post it to you because I figure you’ll have internet and should be able to find it what with your magic and everything and I also know the postal service to the North Pole is terrible. I don’t want postmen dying on their expedition to deliver letters to you just because I thought I should stick to a traditional method of telling you what I want for Christmas. It is also the 21st century and letters are a rarity, for you to have survived this long in society I believe you’re probably always with the times.

I know I haven’t written to you since before I could develop proper memories (I probably couldn’t write then either but you get that I mean a long time, in a roundabout way). This year, however, on my 21st Christmas I thought I could write and let you know how things are going and what I would like from you this o joyous of seasons.

I imagine this is what you'll look like reading my letter. A slight expression of amusement and annoyance on your lovely face.

I imagine this is what you’ll look like reading my letter. A slight expression of amusement and annoyance on your lovely face.

For Christmas dear old Santa I don’t actually want anything that your elves could cook up for me in your toy factories. However, in the hope that maybe someone powerful owes you a favour I thought I’d let you know what I wanted anyhow. That’s why this year I decided to write to you. Because I really, really want these things. My house doesn’t have a chimney but I’ll leave the window open and risk spiders coming in and my room becoming an ice-box to allow you entry. That’s how much I want the following things.

I would quite like Bernard’s Watch so that I can stop and fast-forward time whenever I please but I fully understand if there are magical laws against that sort of thing. After all, although you are a magical being that is able to travel the world in a night and deliver presents to every child’s home – you’re not a miracle worker. My mum is though, she can make any food taste amazing.

Who cooks in your house? Is it you or Mrs Claus? I think it’s you because frankly, you only really work one day a year. I bet Mrs Claus works her butt off to make sure you’re financially afloat for the rest of the year. The heating doesn’t pay itself, and I would bet my life that you need a lot more heating than we do in England. Just thinking about the size of your bill gives me a headache.

Getting back to the matter in hand, for Christmas I would also like some luck that lasts approximately 12 months (give or take). It can be in the form of Harry Potter’s liquid luck which seems to work well or it can be in the form of apple pies or cheesecake. I don’t mind. It needs to be powerful enough to help me get a full-time journalism job or internship from February when my course ends, as well as a part-time job for extra money. Oh and it needs to make sure my car doesn’t die on me within the next year – that’s extra stress I don’t need.

Also, normally I wouldn’t ask for this kind of thing but if you could magically fill my bank account with £5000 I would be very grateful. This would help me help my parents as a way of saying thank you as well as allow me to not panic about having no money and allow me to help a few other people I know that need it. I know you’re rich because you’re partnership with Coca-Cola has been around since the 1930s. I’ve worked it out. From that alone, you must be a billionaire.

I don’t expect these gifts to be in my stocking or under my Christmas tree anytime soon. Although I do want it for Christmas I’m willing to wait a little longer for such amazing gifts. I’ll wait until June if you’d like, you’ll be less busy then so hopefully you should be able to deliver. You didn’t answer my last email about your itinerary so I can only work on assumptions.

To be fair, what I’m asking for is a little harder to attain than your average stuffed teddy or lego set. Keeping this in mind I’m, technically speaking, not asking for anything this Christmas. This I think instantly deserves me a permanent place on your ‘Good List’ – I will not abuse this power of position but sometime in the future I will take full advantage of it when I have the means to do so. To warn you at least three years in advance, when that time comes I will be asking for a puppy. I would prefer a dalmatian, husky or labrador but I won’t be mad if you decide on another breed.

Lots of love,

Bianca


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Gratitude

I’m not American but I like to think, I’m fairly aware of the world around me, thus I know Thanksgiving was this Thursday just gone. I have never celebrated the holiday, I know it’s history and as far as my knowledge goes, I understand how it is celebrated in modern society. It’s a lovely sentiment.

One, that in the past couple of years, I have been trying to make sure I do more often: being thankful. It sounds like a very simple thing, but humans are fairly selfish creatures.

How many times do you start your conversations with I? Or wish it was started with the word? It’s not a bad thing, it’s normal. Although we all share the same planet, we all live in slightly different worlds. It is only normal, for many people, if they cannot help but be the main part of theirs. To be unselfish is a conscious effort not an automatic response.

After all we wouldn’t have been able to survive on this planet for so long and evolved in such a way if we hadn’t been a little selfish. I’m getting off the point. This is my very long-winded introduction into the fact that gratitude, although something that we should be constantly showing, is a harder trait to regularly live by than others.

It is usually during holidays such as thanksgiving and Christmas that we realise what an important thing it is to do, to be grateful. After all, the happy person is not one that has it all but one who is happy with what they have. I think that comes with a level of gratitude and awareness of realising that the small things are as important as the big.

I’ve been asked by a few people what I would like for Christmas and this year, I can honestly say that I don’t really want anything that can really be wrapped up in a neat little parcel.I just want more time, or some sort of control of time.

Then I can slow down time with the boy, time to study, time with my family and time just to relax in the non-existent silence. And then I  can speed up the time in traffic jams, in the cold and times when I’m feeling low.

But since the control of time and space eludes me, I can choose to be grateful for the things I do have.

The best parents in the world, my wonderful (sometimes challenging) sister, good books, the weekends, my old car, my pets, my bed, Harry Potter, work experience, blackheads, cold pillows, red lipstick, Portugal and finally, because there should always be a happy ending: the boy and the deepest love I have ever known.


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Motivation come to me!

I had an amazing New Years; I went to London to see the fireworks with the boy, my parents, my sister and her best friend. It was such a good night. The fireworks were spectacular and the crowds were massive: a sea of people! But everyone was really happy, buzzing with the excitement; I must admit the countdown was a bit of a fail, before we knew it fireworks were lighting the skies, the whole crowd starts screaming and I get my midnight kiss. 🙂 Yesterday, like every year, was the laziest day in the world. By the end of the day my bum hurt from being sat down for so long; there was a Homer Simpson inspired bum-shaped print on my sofa.

Now I need to start working on my essays. I have tried and failed many times to write and finish one of my two essays before Christmas. Christmas has come and went, I have only 400 words, a lot of confused ideas from all the research and no idea how I’m going to manage to write lots of GOOD words. I’m stressed just thinking about this (writing this post is the most productive procrastination I can manage right now).

Now I’m searching for motivation, I’ve been pretty good this last term of university with my motivation. It meant my workload never became so overbearing that I just wanted to give up (although I came close) yet now my motivation seems to have disappeared. I’ve tried  pushing for it, I’ve tried pretending it’s there and I’ve tried to work without it. Motivation, as I have discovered, is even more important than I anticipated. Motivation is as crucial for productivity as air is for breathing.

So now I’m looking for the motivation to get motivated. I’ll steal it if I have to; the funny thing is when you’re looking for motivation for something that you don’t feel motivated about doing; the motivation to do other stuff (such as blog posts, tidying, cleaning, making to do lists and organising imaginary plans) seems to hit you like a truck.

In an ideal world, I think the best cure for my lack of motivation is a holiday. Maybe to Disneyland. In the meantime I will be waiting for my motivation, begging for it to come back to me, by staring at my screen and typing approximately twenty words for my essay, then deleting them and typing new words, then deleting them and…you get the idea.

So motivation this is my plea! Come back to me! I miss you and I need you; together we can do great things like complete impossible essays. Without you I am nothing. Come back to me motivation. I’ll be waiting for you.


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Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas!

I would feel weird to post something on December 25th and not talk about the holiday that has consumed this commercialised society for the past two and a half months. Be warned, however, if you are hoping for a soppy Christmas post then this is not it. I will understand if you decide not to continue reading. Have a wonderful Christmas and New Year.

For everyone else:

Everyone is crazy for Christmas; the shops stir up our panic by starting to play Christmas songs, decorating the place with Christmas decorations and telling us about their awesome Christmas deals before Halloween as even come and gone. By the time you get to Christmas you hear people go, “oh but it doesn’t even feel like Christmas.” These people should blame the shops and other companies that see money showers come December rather than snowy ones, they make it feel like Christmas in October, it’s no wonder people don’t feel like it’s Christmas come December. We’ve been prepared for it for the last two months.

Yet people continue to buy into this stupid commercial Christmas that seems to be growing in popularity in recent years. Firstly Christmas is a religious holiday, it is supposed to be the celebration of the birth of a religious figure. I am not particularly religious but I think it’s important that people know that December 25th is important due to the birth of Jesus Christ just like Hanukkah, an eight day religious celebration is important on whatever date it may fall (it differs). The religious aspect of Christmas was subdued so everyone could enjoy the generosity of gifts and the gluttony of eating so much you feel sick.

Believe it or not I love Christmas, what I hate is how it has been manipulated to be more about getting the most expensive presents than spending time with your family. The gifts for me are important, hypocritical but bare with me, yet they are not the be all and end all of Christmas. I spend time thinking about a gift that that person really wants, not just because I feel I have to (one twenty year old girl cannot help but bow slightly to the pressures of commercialisation even if she does so with resent). I buy these gifts at Christmas because I want to make the people I buy for, happy. I want them to realise that they deserve to be spoiled too! Obviously if I could I would do this as often as possible, year round. My student budget however means that this would mean me selling a kidney so Christmas is a perfect excuse.

Still, with all the presents and the food, Christmas is about family for me. It’s about getting to spend time with those your love. Getting a day with everyone together laughing at bad cracker jokes, watching Christmas TV, eating, arguing, playing. It’s all a part of it. Christmas is about people coming together and enjoying the company of others. It’s about selflessness and about looking back on the past year and looking forward to the new year. Christmas is about happiness, peace and love. It’s not about the latest toys or gadgets.

Christmas is a holiday for people not for shops.