Rambles, rants and raves

A lot of opinions spilling out of my brain


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How to be a bad blog owner

I’ve been doing research for this post for the past ten days or so: how to be a bad blog owner. Okay, maybe I’m lying and I’ve just been ignoring my duties as said blog owner. Luckily this isn’t a plant, otherwise it would probably be past the point of saving.

So that my awful lack of an appearance in the wordpress world does not go to waste, I have decided to impart the wisdom I have only just discovered on how to be a bad blog owner. Obviously follow this advice at your peril. It’s a how to in reverse so I’m not promising better things as a result.

So without further ado, here are my four top tips on how to be a bad blog owner/put people off visiting your blog

You could also put this as the welcome image on your blog. If you wanted to make the point painfully obvious.

You could also put this as the welcome image on your blog. If you wanted to make the point painfully obvious.

Stop posting

This is probably the easiest way to be a bad blog owner. By not posting anything new and keeping your site up you are luring the random internet adventurer in only to be disappointed that the last thing you wrote about happened in a slow period of 2006. They’ll promise never to visit your blog again and probably won’t read whatever you wrote on that slow period of 2006. It’s the best poison for a blog.

Write really offensive things that are offensive for offensive’s sake

You may get the odd reproachful or defensive comment back at best. It should just cause most people to switch off your blog straight away especially if you’re offensive things have no sort of actual thought process behind them and are just mean for mean’s sake.

Write about things you’re not interested in

This is the dullest way to be a bad blog owner because basically you suffer to by writing about something you hate. If you write about things you’re not interested in, readers tend to be able to tell and the post won’t get a good response. Writing about something you find boring and stupid and which you’re actually bored by means that your readers will be bored by it too. So basically: if it’s making you yawn and want to switch off, it’ll make potential readers do that same. Perfect way to be a bad blog owner.

Never update your About page

People are nosey and curious creatures. They will usually click on your About page nine times out of ten* Not keeping an About page can be a great way of saying: thanks for visiting, but I don’t want you to know anything about me so buh bye. Obviously good writing will still keep people coming but having an About page just adds to the good blog status which you don’t want to have. Obviously. An About page is like the comfort blanket of your blog. It doesn’t need to even say much but it’s basically the foundation of your blog. I judge a lot of blogs by two or three posts and their About page. Not because I’m judgemental but because that’s how everyone decides who they follow, right?

*Statistics are entirely made up and have just come out of my brain with no research behind it.


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What Disney princesses taught me

I love Disney. I think I love Disney probably more than I love cheesecake which, as I’m sure you can imagine, I have a lot of love for. I was raised on Disney films and my favourites tended to be the ones with a higher animal character to human character ration.But today I was thinking: what could I take as life lessons from Disney princesses today? And this is what I came up with.

Everybody can sing. 

Even the baker, your dad and maybe the mouse that lives in your kitchen since he learnt to sing from the fork. Also, everybody knows the lyrics to the song you’re about to sing about your life. Unfortunately I think I have a different lyric book to the world as so far any of my public singing has just resulted in odd stares. It probably doesn’t help that I’m not dancing at the same time.

No matter what you do, be it fall of a horse, come out of the sea or have your dress ripped to shreds by your evil stepsisters, your hair will always look amazing.

This is probably why I am always unhappy with my frustating excuse for hair. I still half-expect it to look blow dried and healthy at the end of the day when I have sweated off my make up and made my hair greasy from touching it so much due to my indecision at having it in a pony or free and happy. Yes, I am that attractive. Calm down.  

Happily ever after exists with only a little strife at the very start of your life (because most princesses were 16 in my day).

I use strife lightly here because that strife tends to be someone trying to kill you which, you know, is probably a tougher experience than most 116-year-olds experience. But still after that, I always got the impression that everything was going to be hunky dory since the bad guy was dead and she had got what she wanted (which was usually a man but that’s a whole other issue). Maybe this is why I feel like my life is over when we don’t have enough salami in the fridge for me to make a sandwich.

You can fall in love in less than 24 hours.

Cinderella and Snow White are the guilty ones here and when I was young I imagined love hitting me hard on the head so that there was no doubt of feelings. In hindsight that sounds painful and love wasn’t like that at all for me. It was more like the central heating in a house (crazy romantic I know), where it slowly but surely sneaks up on you and before you know it, the house is warm. But still, I learnt not to settle without some sort of butterflies straight away. (I just blushed at admitting to butterflies, I am  officially a loser).

Belle is my favourite princess because I like to pretend that if I was an animation I would be her. Plus I always look this worried when I look at a menu because I take too long to make a choice.

Belle is my favourite princess because I like to pretend that if I was an animation I would be her. Plus I always look this worried when I look at a menu because I take too long to make a choice and I don’t want to waste the waiter’s time.


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My Baftas speech

It’s the Bafta Film Awards tonight and according to my sources (read BBC News website) the stars are arriving in their glitzy dresses and dapper suits. I couldn’t go because I had to sign for my invite and the postman kept arriving when I was at work and I didn’t have time to go and collect it.

It’s a shame but it worked out well in the end since it’s cold and rainy. Oh and I found out they were only serving champagne for the first hour and I hate champagne.

Anyway I’m pretty sure I was going to win the Best Actress Award. So I prepared my speech, I tried calling someone to get the address of where I needed to send it so they could play it after they announce my name but nobody returned my calls. So, as a result, I thought it best to put it on here. It’s a really good speech, the Baftas don’t know what they’re missing by not collecting it from me.

This is what I would look like if I could go and collect my Bafta. But not painted gold or naked. Obviously.

This is what I would look like if I could go and collect my Bafta. But not painted gold or naked. Obviously.

“Oh my goodness. Oh. My. I just, I can’t, I just can’t believe it. This is amazing and with so many incredible other women in the category. I mean, I was pretty sure I was going to win since my agent kind of told me yesterday but still, it just feels crazy to be here. I know I’ve won all the other awards for the same role this season but this one, well, I had a different feeling, I had no idea. I just, wow, thank you.

“Okay so um well I want to say thank you to everyone. There are just so many people to thank. I’d love to thank my manager and my agent and all the cast and crew – you were all great to work with, I can only imagine how brilliant I was to work with especially now I’m an award winner you guys must be even more honoured to have spent a year working on a movie with me.

“I’d like to thank all the people that I spent a year of my life with and never actually spoke to because I was busy being an amazing actress. I also want to thank all my friends and family and my mum and dad who have been so supportive and spent all their money to support me. I promise to steal the dress I am wearing to sell on ebay so that I can buy you lots of lovely things. After all, it cost more than a house.

“I’m so glad I prepared this speech and I’m gutted that my agent removed all the swearing and all the musical interludes I had put in. Apparently we’re not allowed more than three minutes – if we go over we have to be cut off and pretend to be horrified that there’s actually a time-limit and audiences don’t want to hear us talk for hours.

“So thank you, thank you very much. (Hold my award in the air to emphasise my skinny arms and make me feel like a boxing champion). Thank you and goodnight.”


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Public Displays of Affection

I have a few people on Facebook who often like to put up status’ about how much they love their boyfriends/girlfriends and how lucky they are to be in a relationship and how they just can’t wait to get married to said boyfriend/girlfriend and that they are currently snuggled up in bed (they can’t be having a good time if they’re on Facebook though).

Also the other day as I attempted to buy a sandwich from Marks & Spencers and was obstructed by a young couple who seemed to have glued themselves together at the lips. I don’t know what it was about the BLT sandwiches, but it was turning them on. I had to choose a chicken and bacon instead and everyone knows it’s not the same when your heart is set on a BLT. Stupid couple.

Prior to this snogging BLT incident, I also had a couple stop in the middle of the street as they were walking to frantically kiss as if they only had seconds to live. Either that or one was choking and the other was trying very hard to dislodge whatever was blocking the airway with his tongue. I almost crashed into them because I wasn’t looking where I was going. That would have been awkward on all kinds of levels.

And just now, the thing that actually prompted this post was a Facebook posting of a girl in bed with her boyfriend. It is photographed in a way to look like they’re both naked, which they may be, but that’s beside the point. The caption read ‘love my hubby so much, just chilling in bed, perfect evening.’ After I had finished being sick in my mouth and the anger had subsided at her lack of commas (I had to include them in my quote because otherwise I would have had an aneurism), I came to the conclusion that in our consistently sharing society, public displays of affection (or PDAs as I like to call them) have become an awful, terrible addition to our everyday lives.

I am very much in love with my boyfriend. He is lovely and smart and sometimes he smells but that’s okay. We are in a solid relationship and though he knows I love him and he loves me we do not feel the need to consistently post our adoration for each other on social media. Or to attack each other with our tongue in public. It doesn’t make us any less of a couple.

It is one thing seeing a couple lean in for a kiss. A five minute snog in the sandwich aisle or in the middle of a busy shop, however, is inappropriate. It is too much information and something that is supposed to be intimate. It’s like deciding to go for a poo in the middle of the road just because you truly are that desperate. Everybody can hold it in, be it the need for a poo or a passionate kiss. You can hold your ravenous hormones in for a little while until you get home, or into a cupboard or something – I don’t know, whatever floats your boat I guess.

As for Facebook, yes I’ve heard it all before: “if you don’t like it, delete me,” “it’s my page so I can do what I want.” Fine. But just know that you sound pompous whenever you put over the top messages of love to your loved one. Especially when it’s followed by a thousand fullstops. For the record, an ellipsis only uses three of them.

The funny thing is a lot of these over the top PDAs, especially online, seem to come from either of these categories. a) the one that cheated on a night out because they were, like, really, really, really drunk. b) the one that has had more relationships than they’ve had clean socks. c) the one that has recently entered into a relationship with the best person EVER. d) the one couple that have been together forever and have kind of morphed into one person, like some kind of siamese twin.

I think it’s great that everyone is so in love. Congratulations. It’s a great feeling, probably the best feeling ever. But please do not force your relationship down everybody’s throat. Nobody wants to see you practically dry-hump your other half while they are trying to get somewhere. Especially when I only have half an hour to get some lunch.

Nobody wants you to put over-the-top statuses on your social media about how crazy in love you are or how you’re snuggled up to your loved one while you watch tv. So am I, so is half of the country, it’s no big deal. And please, please stop posting pictures with the both of you in bed semi-naked – that’s just gross and I’m pretty sure it’s crossing some kind of line, even if you ‘both have funny bed hair LOL.’

If you want to write about love or you want to write about your relationship then check these out for inspiration. Just click here or here. There are lots more but these are my two favourite love blog posts (I’m going for the number two because of the whole love and couple thing, nice touch right?).

The emotion is amazing enough that you don’t have to go over the top to express it usually. Just thought you should know.

See? This is what PDA looks like to the people that see it.

See? This is what PDA looks like to the people that see it. If that isn’t enough to put people off, I don’t know what is.


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A letter to Father Christmas

Dear Santa,

Don’t be too shocked to see I’ve decided to write you a letter. I thought it best to blog it rather than actually post it to you because I figure you’ll have internet and should be able to find it what with your magic and everything and I also know the postal service to the North Pole is terrible. I don’t want postmen dying on their expedition to deliver letters to you just because I thought I should stick to a traditional method of telling you what I want for Christmas. It is also the 21st century and letters are a rarity, for you to have survived this long in society I believe you’re probably always with the times.

I know I haven’t written to you since before I could develop proper memories (I probably couldn’t write then either but you get that I mean a long time, in a roundabout way). This year, however, on my 21st Christmas I thought I could write and let you know how things are going and what I would like from you this o joyous of seasons.

I imagine this is what you'll look like reading my letter. A slight expression of amusement and annoyance on your lovely face.

I imagine this is what you’ll look like reading my letter. A slight expression of amusement and annoyance on your lovely face.

For Christmas dear old Santa I don’t actually want anything that your elves could cook up for me in your toy factories. However, in the hope that maybe someone powerful owes you a favour I thought I’d let you know what I wanted anyhow. That’s why this year I decided to write to you. Because I really, really want these things. My house doesn’t have a chimney but I’ll leave the window open and risk spiders coming in and my room becoming an ice-box to allow you entry. That’s how much I want the following things.

I would quite like Bernard’s Watch so that I can stop and fast-forward time whenever I please but I fully understand if there are magical laws against that sort of thing. After all, although you are a magical being that is able to travel the world in a night and deliver presents to every child’s home – you’re not a miracle worker. My mum is though, she can make any food taste amazing.

Who cooks in your house? Is it you or Mrs Claus? I think it’s you because frankly, you only really work one day a year. I bet Mrs Claus works her butt off to make sure you’re financially afloat for the rest of the year. The heating doesn’t pay itself, and I would bet my life that you need a lot more heating than we do in England. Just thinking about the size of your bill gives me a headache.

Getting back to the matter in hand, for Christmas I would also like some luck that lasts approximately 12 months (give or take). It can be in the form of Harry Potter’s liquid luck which seems to work well or it can be in the form of apple pies or cheesecake. I don’t mind. It needs to be powerful enough to help me get a full-time journalism job or internship from February when my course ends, as well as a part-time job for extra money. Oh and it needs to make sure my car doesn’t die on me within the next year – that’s extra stress I don’t need.

Also, normally I wouldn’t ask for this kind of thing but if you could magically fill my bank account with £5000 I would be very grateful. This would help me help my parents as a way of saying thank you as well as allow me to not panic about having no money and allow me to help a few other people I know that need it. I know you’re rich because you’re partnership with Coca-Cola has been around since the 1930s. I’ve worked it out. From that alone, you must be a billionaire.

I don’t expect these gifts to be in my stocking or under my Christmas tree anytime soon. Although I do want it for Christmas I’m willing to wait a little longer for such amazing gifts. I’ll wait until June if you’d like, you’ll be less busy then so hopefully you should be able to deliver. You didn’t answer my last email about your itinerary so I can only work on assumptions.

To be fair, what I’m asking for is a little harder to attain than your average stuffed teddy or lego set. Keeping this in mind I’m, technically speaking, not asking for anything this Christmas. This I think instantly deserves me a permanent place on your ‘Good List’ – I will not abuse this power of position but sometime in the future I will take full advantage of it when I have the means to do so. To warn you at least three years in advance, when that time comes I will be asking for a puppy. I would prefer a dalmatian, husky or labrador but I won’t be mad if you decide on another breed.

Lots of love,

Bianca


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Why I will always love Leonardo DiCaprio

The clocks went back on Saturday so although we gained an extra hour in bed which is always a positive thing, it also means it is dark by 5:30pm and it’ll only get darker, earlier. This is why I hate winter. Acting on purely selfish reasons, I have decided to cheer myself up by listing my top reasons as to why I will always love Leonardo DiCaprio. I feel bad because, technically speaking, this should include Ryan Gosling. Now I’m thinking about Ryan Gosling. Okay this now includes Ryan Gosling.

Also, if the lovely boyfriend is reading this, I am sorry for making these feelings public. It is in the hope that Leonardo DiCaprio/ Ryan Gosling will feel sorry for not reciprocating my love for him and maybe take us on holiday, or buy me a puppy. Either one. My love for you is not in question, obviously. But you never know with the internet so I thought I’d make it clear. I love you.

Okay, back to my reasons for loving Leonardo DiCaprio. And Ryan Gosling.

They are beautiful.

This is superficial but also fact which I feel, takes away from the superficiality. It is also a great excuse to put some images on here of their fine selves. Although I do not agree with the objectifying of men and women, it is pitch black at 6:30pm and very cold. This is justification.

I had to include this image. HAD TO.

They are amazingly talented.

If I were to chop off either Gosling or DiCaprio’s little finger it would be more talented than me. Easily (and not just because I have no talent). They are incredible actors. Leonardo DiCaprio should have won an Oscar by now. He plays every role extremely convincingly making all his movies watchable, relatable and completely intoxicating. Ryan Gosling has only recently been showing his acting credentials to a better, more varied degree. He is brilliant at being intense and you cannot help but be captured by his presence in most films (even if he keeps his clothes on) watch Blue Valentine and Drive and thank me later.

Leonardo DiCaprio is humanist, animal and planet lover.

I’m sure Ryan Gosling is too. But Leonardo DiCaprio seems to be an active campaigner and supporter of animal rights and protection as well as ways on continuing to protect this planet. A conscious celebrity makes him lose any sort of pretentiousness someone that earns millions for a film could be expected to have. It also makes me love him a little more. He is aware. Hollywood has not consumed him and he seems open minded to a bigger world than his beautiful face and epic facial hair.

Mr DiCaprio is currently putting his name to Vote4Stuff – a campaign to encourage people to register to vote and get voting. A pretty awesome thing. What an awesome guy.

So as not to leave Ryan Gosling out of this point, here is a picture of him with a dog. See, he’s a caring soul too.

I know the dog doesn’t look comfortable but he is apparently scared of escalators. That’s what you’re seeing in the dog’s face: fear from the escalator not discomfort at being carried.

Smooth and humble.

I tried to make this point as smooth and humble as Leonardo DiCaprio and Ryan Gosling. I’m pretty sure I failed. Oh well. I know they are media trained and obviously smart men but they come across so well in interviews that I have decided to fully accept and believe that they are as incredibly humble and smooth as they come across in interviews. Even when they’re awkward.

They’re beautiful

Have I mentioned that already? Damn it. Oh well, here’s more photos to prove my point.

I could continue but due to fears of being classed a stalker/insane/obsessed fan. I will stop. Leonardo DiCaprio, Ryan Gosling: if you’re reading this I am none of those things. I am just an admirer of your acting talents. I should mention you are also on my Christmas list. Just saying.


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Family

I’m naturally quite unlucky. You may not believe in luck but if you lived my life you’d know I lacked it. I do have a good life though, and I am lucky in the family and friends I have.

Everything else comes from a sitcom.

Living back at home reminded me that my family is slightly off the wall. If we were a comedy show we’d be somewhere between The Simpsons and Everybody Loves Raymond.

My dad is usually pulling a face & the majority of the time, my mum never looks directly into a camera, and we have a lot more animals than that but yeah this could be a family photo…

Here’s a little peek, a quick flash, into the world of family life.

My mum and dad are a case in point. At 4 in the morning, when they’re both getting ready for work (my dad is running late and my mum is too early), they’re fighting to get shotgun of the shower. She’s telling him to hurry up in her naturally loud voice, he showers longer because he finds it funny.

My room is next to the bathroom and I’ve trained myself to stay asleep when my parents begin talking about random rubbish that no one cares about outside my room in ‘outside’ voices. If I tell them to shut up, they whisper for less time than it takes for me to remove the pillows from over my head.

When my mum and I build furniture together (our family are IKEA fans), it usually ends up with at least three sheared screws, one back to front panel inserted, a load of swearing, one person storming out (usually me) and a lot of hysterical laughter. A chest of drawers that would take normal people an hour to build takes us four. Mainly because her mini electrical drill is crap.

I also have a younger sister who loves words such as ‘sassy’ and announcing that we’re all like ‘sex and the city girls’ even though I wasn’t aware she was a fan. When she was a kid, she was so chubby that you couldn’t help but hug her. Now she is a little bit like someone that should appear in advertisements.

She has beautiful hair although she still decided to buy some more, intelligent, witty, creative and funny. If she wasn’t my sister, I’d probably hate her a little. She is also naturally skinny though she eats consistently and could give Heston Blumenthal a run for his money with her weird food creations. When she moves too quickly or tries to dance, she resembles Popeye’s Olive Oyl. I’m not even kidding.

She’s always right even when she’s wrong and her comebacks would grant her to write her own book or become some sort of talker on how best to insult someone. I should not admit this but sometimes I have to admit defeat because I can’t think of anything funnier, wittier or more insulting to say. I like to win, it’s painful to have to do admit silent defeat.

I’ve only scratched the surface here, but to carry on would probably be a mistake. This is just a peek. Sometimes it’s infuriating to live in such a crazy household. Waking up to U2, Tina Turner or some other awesome music early on a Sunday because my mum loves to play her music loud isn’t the one when you like sleep. And that’s an understatement. I love sleep.

But I wouldn’t trade them for the world. My family is very open – we don’t have any secrets from each other. It can be a good thing and a bad thing. Sometimes we’re dysfunctional, other times we’re picturesque. A lot of the time we’re just living the best way we know how: as loudly, crazily and happily as possible.